is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
