dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
