Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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