i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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