Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
