high people should be assigned attendants
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
