I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
