I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
