Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
being pregnant is like rehab
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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