I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
