My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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