Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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