I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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