We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize