Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
