I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
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