I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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