who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
