When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
