i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
