halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Drunk is not a location!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
