my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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