How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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