I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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