Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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