I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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