My nipple is on Facebook.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
