It's like a parade of train wrecks.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
