so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
so let's talk penis.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
