So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
