I just pynch a tree in the face
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
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we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
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Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye