my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
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you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
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So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.