I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest