Sry I called you an 8
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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