i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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