You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
