Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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