I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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