I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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