Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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