I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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