@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
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