apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
