She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
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We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.