This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.