My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
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all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
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Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.