it's too hot outside to masturbate.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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