Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
