I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
