I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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