So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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