i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
