he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
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i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
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My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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