i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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