If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I can't turn off my feet"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
