is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
