Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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