God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
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He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
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It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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