Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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