Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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