I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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